In the aftermath of boycotts, dwindling sales, and a falling share price, Anheuser-Busch (AB inbev) has announced the re-branding of Bud Light as “BUD MIGHT.” The new cans will include design components centered around an assortment of traditional masculine features, such as camouflage, various weaponry, and rippling male biceps, quads, and glutes, all on slick, oiled aluminum.
Advertising execs are rumored to be kicking around slogans such as “BUD MIGHT makes Right” and “Pump this F’in Iron” before the full rollout later this month. Importantly, no changes have been made to the Bud Light recipe, which consists largely of aged bovine urine.
The trouble began when sales of Bud Light tanked after conservative backlash at transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney’s use of a Bud Light can in a social media post earlier this year.
Critics have since burned empty beer boxes and fired bullets into everything from Bud Light boxes, bottles, signs, and cans to their own cousins—who are also their wives—after a raucous Kid Rock posted a threatening video of himself shooting cases of Bud Light with an assault rifle while no doubt intoxicated. Rock evidently had multiple cases of the now hated beer on-hand in his fridge, despite being able to afford beer with actual flavor.
Meanwhile, sales of rival beers Coors, Modelo, and Miller have surged while Bud Light sales have plunged by double-digits week after week. It should be noted that all of these beers taste nearly identical to urine flavored water.
Psychologists believe that much of the anti-trans and anti-LGBTQ+ sentiment among conservatives is driven by their own personal insecurities and an archaic notion of “what it means to be a man.” Feeling threatened by the encroachment of expectations that men exhibit more than surface-level facsimiles of human emotions related to acceptance, love, and understanding—and the right of an individual to do as he/she/they please with their own bodies—conservatives have vowed to press-on with the boycott.
“I have a hard enough time peeing next to a boy at public urinals,” said Bud Light boycotter and major sporting event enthusiast Reed Taylor about his chronic urinary stage fright. “Ain’t no way my balls won’t explode if I gotta try to pee next to a lady-man or whatever,” Johnson said, knowing so little about his own body that he still thinks urine is stored in one’s testicles, as opposed to within the cans of beer he formerly favored.
At press time, Bud Light executives were kicking around “BUD MIGHT: Findin’ security in a can” as the new slogan for the piss flavored beverage.
P.S. Like it? Do me a favor and subscribe! I don’t know how to put the button here but it’s in the top right on the homepage:)
Leave a comment