And these are the top 10 items on my agenda when I take office.
Although I am not currently being vetted, I am on the long list of possible VP picks. In the middle of a presidential election of historic proportions, VP picks matter. The outgoing president is very old. There is about a 50% chance that the incoming president will be very old. And even though Kamala Harris isn’t that old, she is currently vetting about half-a-dozen VP candidates, which raises an interesting question: Where am I in the order of potential VP picks in case something should befall all those candidates … like, they just disappear or something? And then what if the next half-a-dozen choices also “went away,” and then say, another 150 million more?
This would be terrible, of course. But if it were to happen, aren’t we all on that vetting list … eventually? I figure that I will probably be about the 157th million or so pick for the role of potential vice president of the United States. And may I just say that I would be extremely honored to accept the nomination.
How I got there
I think of myself a slightly above average person in almost every way. I am of slightly above average height for a male American. I think I’m of slightly above average intelligence. I believe I’m slightly better looking than the ordinary guy on the street—particularly on gravel roads in rural areas—and I know I’m a little stronger than the average Joe, who is a friend of mine.
So my logic is that since there are about 330 million Americans, I’d likely be just above the middle mark, in the top 47-48th percentile. But that’s not the important part. The important part would be my vision for what I will get done as your next vice president.
Here is my agenda
Agenda item 1: I will first reunite with an ex-girlfriend or two, because the VP should not be single, and let’s be honest: I made some mistakes when we dated that I’d like to take back so that we can be happy together going forward. I won’t make these mistakes a second time, I promise. And even though these exes are now married, as vice president I will take care of that as my first order of business, assuming that these exes aren’t ahead of me on the vetting list, of course, in which case they would no longer be with us in this particular scenario, and I would move on. Anyway, as vice president, I will probably be pretty hard to resist, because people are attracted to power, and though I will not be the most powerful person in America, I could easily get rid of an unwanted husband or two.
Agenda item 2: I will finally get a dog. I will get several dogs. And I will never, ever pick up the poop. I will have people for that. My people will pick up the poop while my dogs and I watch.
Agenda item 3: I will drink better wine. This might actually be really easy and not require that much power or money, because I bet a lot of the 156 million-plus people who were ahead of me on the vetting list who disappeared had some really good wine, so there will suddenly be a surplus, and supply will be very high, while demand will be much lower (My grasp on the workings of the economy is one of the reasons I’m in the running for VP).
Agenda item 4: Disney will turn Star Wars very dark, much like Christopher Nolan did with the Batman: Dark Night Trilogy. As I mentioned, I will get rid of the war stuff, so TV will need to step up its violence to compensate for our insatiable desire for explosions and death by laser swords. Therefore, no more Boba Fett with people riding around on DayGlo tricycles. No more Obi-Wan Kenobi being forgetful and scared of using the force. No. No more of this. Andor is the only good TV show to come out of Disney in the Star Wars realm since they began making TV shows, and I will die on that hill, and I will take Baby Yoda with me. Baby Yoda will then come back to life and he will finally start chopping bad guys’ heads off while also getting involved with drugs and possibly prostitution, plus a little accidental good guy murder after he gets caught doing that bad stuff—but that will be his awakening and the beginning of his redemption! And we will all be better off for it.
Agenda item 5: Someone will clean my goddamn house. The VP probably doesn’t have to clean, but I just want to make sure that I won’t have to do this anymore.
Agenda item 6: MLB baseball will retroactively end (if this is possible) after the 2004 season, when the Boston Red Sox came back from a 3–0 deficit in the American League playoffs against the Yankees to win 4-3—the only team in baseball history to do so in the postseason. And then they went on to sweep the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. Not to mention that it was a David vs. Goliath scenario, where the moneyed and hated and clean-cut NY Yankees faced off against a team of dirtballs and long-haired tweekers and got their asses handed to them in the most epic come-from-behind story ever told. I don’t even really like baseball that much, but c’mon: It does not, cannot, and will not ever get better than this, and so I don’t know why baseball didn’t end right then. Know when to quit.
Agenda item 7: No more hungry and homeless people and people without health care.
Agenda item 8: I will bring both dignity and a new sense of possibility to the office of the vice president by always wearing a cape. Capes are a critical wardrobe item among countless superheroes, as well as during the Middle Ages when people used swords, halberds, and battle axes, which is totally badass. And so as vice president, I will wear a cape. Come to think of it, I will also carry a sword. Possibly a laser sword.
Agenda item 9: People will stop for pedestrians in crosswalks and they will no longer inch forward passive-aggressively, as if to hurry you along like you’re some kind of fleshy obstacle and big inconvenience with your stupid little legs, while they have been imbued with the purpose and power of wheels and metal powered by rapid, tiny explosions. Get over yourself.
Agenda item 10: I will get rid of the war stuff (probably the president’s call here, but still).
Bonus agenda item 11: Remember when frozen pizzas had to be cooked on a pizza pan? And then for a while pizza stones were a thing? Now nearly all frozen pizza directions call for the pizza to be “placed directly on the center rack,” as though frozen pizza food science continues to progress behind the scenes. We are gonna figure that shit out once and for all.
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