Girlfriend Prayer

I am not a prayerful man, though I have offered up prayers in the past with some inconsistency. I am not a believer.

But lord, I need a girlfriend, and haven’t I done the time? Help me with this, oh lord, to find love and the support of someone who is totally into me and who I am also totally into, Amen. Awoman.

Lord, if truth be told I am a hoper, an occasional hoper who dallies in it, manages still to find in his heart hope for a place called heaven, however unlikely. A place to say hello again to those we’ve lost, I am sorry to those we’ve wronged, I would have done better but I was, in the end, only human. Let us all go there someday and together be what we were on the day we were born; let us be love.

But lord, again, let me not go there quite yet, not until I’ve found a girlfriend who can someday accompany me there, although perhaps not at the same time, oh lord, because ideally she will be several years or more younger than me and will arrive later, both because women tend to live longer lives and because I will be older, quite a bit older but not so much older that the balance of society frowns upon me, with the collective judgment perhaps falling slightly more on the side of envy than disapprobation, let us say at a ratio of something like 60/40, envy to frowning—a ratio I could live with.

And so lord, let her come after me, but not too long after me, because I am uncertain the rules of heaven and would like her to arrive there to be with me again while she is still relatively younger than I was when I arrived, in case it is that we remain in heaven preserved at the age at which we expire.

Lord, that is unless you see fit to bring unto us some sort of terrible accident, resulting in simultaneous deliverance, perhaps a car accident due to my poor and aging eyesight some night on a winding road high in the mountains after an evening of expensive wine and excessive dining where I was seen in public with my much younger girlfriend and was not entirely frowned upon.

Still, let me live a long life, lord, so that I may enjoy my younger girlfriend here on this earth for as long as I am able to, if only you might bestow her upon me here any day now so that I may get to the enjoying, Amen. Awoman.