humor
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Bury me under the pyramid
This week I saw the dentist, and for some reason—insurance probably, or to make you feel bad about both your teeth and your body—the hygienist took my blood pressure. Then she took it again, and then a third time, and then she said that I should probably call my doctor, like, today. After telling her… Continue reading
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I’m not a person who typically does things
I’m feeling a bit down the last few days, which is a little odd because I haven’t been pounding booze and the weather has been ok. Still, I’m prone to it and I think it’s because my trip is ending, and therefore it is the end of something, and goodbyes and endings always make me… Continue reading
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A traveler’s discontent: The midwest winter that never was
The suffering of my friends and the whole of Minnesota would increase my enjoyment of the warmer climes I currently inhabit. There’s just one problem. To see weather reports of winter back in Minnesota as I’ve traveled around the American Southwest in search of an escape from something that never really arrived in Minnesota this… Continue reading
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Mmm… The layer cakes of history
It’s been a wild few days. Yesterday I left White House Campground at Paria Canyon/Vermilion Cliffs Wilderness Area, one of the more beautiful campgrounds I’ve ever stayed at. Before I did though, I drove through 30 miles of dirt and mud desert-crossing known as Cottonwood Canyon Road, a shortcut that will take you—if you have… Continue reading
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Girbly Snurf
Girbly snurf the Nibble-neebleturbly terf his snivel-sneevilnubermindly weedle bumbsget galumped inerbly sumbs. Toble tweeb inogle soubyoude ooh athrobble loubsnimble dwas his dwibble-dwibbiddle too, dwin gribble-grib. Teedle-twee upon de snerthgreeble-greeb unboden herthdamble dwayd onuder so-ithfib-slidle ombah uwee no-ith! -I thought of titling this poem “Syllabic Rhythm as Image,” and that’s what it is for me. An… Continue reading
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If my tombstone someday reads, “He tried,” I think that will be enough
My blog has visitor stats available and on some days I’ll check it and I’ll see that I have had zero visitors on a particular day. On big days, when I publish something, I might have 20 visitors. One day—I remember it fondly as June 29, 2023—I had 40 visitors, and that was the single… Continue reading
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I figure there are about 10 billion pounds of boobs in the world
I’ve been in a funk for days, ever since those bastards robbed my campsite of, it turns out, $1,319, $81 short of my insurance deductible and therefore not reimbursable. But the paranoia they’ve left me with is the worst part. I’ve bought locks now for everything. I’ve locked my trailer hitch to my truck with… Continue reading
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I just got robbed while camping
Last night I got robbed on BLM land outside Joshua Tree National Park. I’d gone for a hike about 4 p.m., and after grabbing dinner I returned to my campsite at 7:45, so there were perhaps 90 minutes of darkness when it likely happened. I’m basically in a huge open flat area just east of… Continue reading
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The Writer’s Block
This whole neighborhood is littered with writers. My agent, always trying to inspire me, texts me: “As though some magic would happen, that some magnificence would spring forth from them, he began to move his fingers… Onto a world of white possibility now spilled ink, digital ink, not yet wet and realized, not yet dry… Continue reading
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The birds chirp in happy affirmation of my nakedness
This evening I took an outdoor shower. My Rpod camper has a shower head on the outside and it came with a little fabric pop-up shower that springs right up when you take it out of the bag—surprisingly roomy enough for 2-3 people if I can find some adventurous campers around. And if people aren’t… Continue reading
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I rarely feel alone when I’m outdoors
I have a tendency to excessively anthropomorphize. Once, in my younger, more experimental days, I took some mushrooms and had a 20 minute conversation with a Hibachi grill that was both adorable and enlightening. Tonight I hiked among the saguaro cactuses in Tonto National Forest and couldn’t help repeatedly waving at them, since it looked… Continue reading
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Criteria for determining whether you are an adult
I’ve never really felt like an adult. I still feel mostly like a kid who has to do adult things like not have recess time on some days and make money to live. Meanwhile, there are people who seem very adultish to me, like doctors, who are saving lives, or people who govern and make decisions… Continue reading
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My Sheclopsborg is out there somewhere
The night sky at Big Bend National Park inspires awe and imagination. Sometimes here at Big Bend National Park I look up at the night sky, at the thousands of stars that I can see and the trillions and trillions that I cannot, and I think, “There’s someone out there somewhere for me. And she,… Continue reading
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Nothing burns as bright with the spirit of Christmas as a desiccated Douglas fir on fire
I can’t decide if it is more sad as a single 46-year-old man to put up a Christmas tree for the holidays or more sad not to. It helps me to think of it like an Onion headline: “Sad man erects Christmas tree and places present for self underneath” or “Single man who ‘needed time… Continue reading
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In support of a national ‘Trading Places Day’ as a solution to America’s rural-urban divide
The rural-urban divide in America is real, and it’s getting worse. That’s why we need a national “Trading Places Day” where urban residents switch places with rural residents. Hear me out. Most cities in America of any size vote liberal, while most rural areas vote conservative. In fact, as a general rule, the farther away… Continue reading
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The reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated
It’s been a while since I posted, but it’s not because I haven’t been writing. Just the opposite, actually. When I started this blog last February it was more of a travelog, documenting my experiences living and working out of a camper in warmer climates to avoid some of Minnesota’s roughly 346 days of winter. … Continue reading
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Ask a financial advisor who is sick of your shit
Dear Advisor,I’m 49 and have $2.5 million in my 401(k) as well as $200,000 in a high-yield savings account. I earn $350,000 per year and put $35,000 of that in my 401(k)/403(b) plus a company match of 10%. I would like to retire at 57. Beginning at age 62, my wife and I will collect… Continue reading
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The chlorophyll will be destroyed – a fall missive
This is the last week of fall in most of Minnesota (and much of the Midwest). It comes every year, this last week, but rarely is it so definitive. An early cold spurt often causes some trees to give up a handful of their leaves too soon, leaving behind a thinning crown of only the… Continue reading
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Squirrels are devious agents of chaos
When I was about 15 or 16, I wrote a letter to the editor and submitted it to the Argus Leader, a South Dakota newspaper with its headquarters in my hometown of Sioux Falls. The letter was in response to some news that a squirrel had found his way into a power plant and electrocuted… Continue reading
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I caught my wife in bed with the Dish Network guy and she tried to pawn it off as necessary to achieve a monthly discount
I’ve been struggling with what to write about the past several days because not much is happening in my life. I’m a single, 45-year-old man who lives a fairly leisurely existence. I work, I take walks, I fish, I workout, I cook, and I generally enjoy my life, but it doesn’t make for great material. … Continue reading
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I’ve lived in my home for 4 years and today I noticed a kitchen cabinet I’ve never seen
I was in the kitchen today and I noticed a thin cupboard door I’d never opened before. This isn’t the start of a fantastical piece of fiction where I opened the door and found a portal to a world I’d actually like to live in. It was literally a cupboard door I’d never opened. One… Continue reading
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I love lamp
I saw a monarch butterfly todayA creature like a little painting that takes flightLittle more than air and art That’s a bit of a non sequitur, so here’s the real story: I found a lamp the other day, set out near the curb by a neighbor a few doors down. This same neighbor once set… Continue reading
About Me
I’m Adam. I’ve written humor columns for 3 print publications, so naturally that’s dead and here I am. For part of each year I travel to avoid Minnesota winters, writing about working from the road in my camper.