Waiting for the Last Gasp – Adam Overland

Hunting Island, SC

Lots of retirees, elderlies, oldies—whatever you want to call them—were at Edisto Island, and they are at Hunting Island as well. Many of them, I’ve noticed, have these nice electric bikes with wide, stable tires, and because the beach sand is so packed they can bike on it. And they do, zooming up and down throughout the day. 

In fact, I feel like many of them are traveling far too fast, and I worry for their safety. But a lot of us like to go fast. It’s fun, exhilarating. And I wonder if the thinking is, “Hey, I’m on a beach, so even if I wipe out, I’m falling on sand. What’s the worst that can happen?” So they turn it up a notch, and I swear I saw a lady in her 70s doing 20, 25 today, white hair waving in the wind, sunglasses reflecting the glare, looking, frankly, really badass. If there was a ramp, I bet she would have jumped it. 

I’ve always thought we should send the elderly to the moon. Not to get rid of them, though I suppose that would solve the social security solvency issue, but because of the gravity situation. Earth is really hard on bodies and joints, and when you’re 80 and you fall, probably even when you fall on sand, it hurts and you might break something. But on the moon a 200 pound person weighs only about 35 pounds. That’s like when a toddler falls. It wouldn’t hurt and you would be way less likely to break anything. About the time you need a new knee or two, maybe a hip, you skip it and just head to the moon. Save the money. You’ll feel great. The knee is good for another 20 years. You’d feel spry again. I mean, if you could breathe, that is. But assisted living facilities with 1/6th the gravity of earth can’t be that far off. And Medicare better cover it.

Earlier today I rode my bike over to a little store at the campground. Most of my life I’ve been opposed to convenience, choosing to do things as difficultly as possible. But it’s nice. The cashier had to be 80 years old, and I purchased a box of pop tarts, four breakfast bars, and some bug spray that was 40% DEET.

The other cashier, a boy of about 16, asked if I needed a bag. I said no and the lady scolded me and started putting my things in a bag. “Men!” she said. “You’ll drop everything all over!” Which was true, and I’m glad she pointed it out. I often find myself going to a grocery store thinking I’ll just get a few things, so I don’t grab a cart or anything, and then I’m carrying 17 items, balancing toilet paper on my head and kicking a bag of chips down the aisle. So I think that old oldie has the right idea about bags. After that I walked back to my campsite and about 5 hours later I couldn’t find my bike. 

I made red snapper tonight. I didn’t catch it, I bought it. I still haven’t caught any fish. It’s not a great time of year, I get it, but still. I need to catch just one. Anyway, I put Old Bay seasoning on it. People swear by it down here. I thought it kind of tasted like dirt with maybe a hint of sodium mixed in. Now I’m sitting by the fire. The stars are incredible. A young couple just pulled in next door, and then 15 minutes later I smelled pot and heard coughing.