General Mills, Inc.
P.O. Box 9452
Minneapolis, MN 55440
From: Adam D. Overland*
Dear General Mills,
Over the years, I’ve written many a letter to you requesting the revision of your product Lucky Charms. All requests have been ignored. I have been as polite as possible, but your steadfast resistance to my requests has wrought an onslaught for which I feel obligated to give a final warning. My requests hereby become demands. Any failure to meet these demands will result in below stated consequences. One final time then, here follow my demands (with a little intro).
Since I was a wee-lad (to use the parlance of your beloved *Leprechaun), I have enjoyed your cereal. And yet every time I sit down to eat a bowl a struggle ensues. Namely, that which in some circles has become known as, “The Woody Elimination Dilemma.” How is it that you do not see what is so painfully clear to most—no one likes the Woody! Sure, some claim to like the Woody, but this is for one of two reasons:
- Rationalization: “I can’t eat just Marshmallows and feel good about myself, therefore the Woody is a necessary evil which I have convinced myself I actually enjoy, thereby thwarting my true inner being’s desire.”
- The Woody may in fact appear relatively satisfactory to the palate. I say relatively, because by no means are they as tasty as the Marshmallows, and further, any taste the Woody does possess is only derived from a parasitical action to the detriment of the sovereignty of the Marshmallow.
You must understand that Americans have little desire to be healthy—myself included. What we do desire is efficiency. And efficiency is not spending 10 minutes wading through Woodys to get to the prize. Therefore, I demand that you remove from Lucky Charms all that is not Lucky, and all that is not Charm. Take out the Woody. Package it in its own box if you must hold to your position that people may actually like it; you can call it, “Woodys,” or “Wood Chunks” or whatever—just get it out of the way of my spoon.
As a compromise, I offer this: Equip each box with a high-powered magnet that can be used to suck the Woody (due to its high iron content) from the box and then be disposed of properly.
If these demands are not soon met, a special task force already assembled and awaiting my command will abscond with your little Leprechaun. His pot of gold will be mine, and the rainbow will glimmer no more.
In earnest,
Adam D. Overland
*Capitalization has been used to denote respect for all characters contained within the cereal.
Written circa 2001. Posted for posterity.
His ass is grass if these demands are not met.
Leave a reply to Bex Cancel reply