Waiting for the Last Gasp – Adam Overland

When I first started using Facebook in about 2008, I had no idea what an online social network was nor why I would ever have a use for one. But I worked in internal communications for a university and my boss at the time suggested I try it out and see if there might be a business use for it.

At the time, I think Facebook was testing it among universities, seeing if students—typical early adopters—would grab hold. Fast forward 15 years and Facebook is (still) the biggest social network, with nearly 3 billion users. 

The way I used Facebook for the first several years was to post one liners, various absurdities that struck me when I was biking to work or when I’d look at that little cursor and whatever Facebook’s prompt was (what’s on your mind).

As the years went by, I stopped doing this, but Facebook would bring up “memories,” and it was often just memories of completely ridiculous things I had posted, which as I got older I sometimes couldn’t believe I had the nerve (or lack of judgment) to post. This way of thinking was pretty clearly inspired by my love of Saturday Night Live, especially from age 13 to 17, and especially “Deep Thoughts,” by Jack Handey, which was always my favorite part of the show. 

At some point reading these Facebook memories, it struck me that I used to be funnier, so I went back and collected my timelines from those first few years, picking out what I considered the funniest. What follows is part one of a two part post of what I think are the best ones (there are many dozens of them), categorized for easy scrolling. If you think it’s weird to do a blog post about things you posted on Facebook, I agree, but also, there’s just no arguing: these are really good. 

Thoughts on methods of recreational travel 
I think if you’re on a flight and it’s traveling over water you should be sure to wear a swimsuit in case it crashes. Otherwise you will look like an idiot, floating around the crash site in pants.

If you don’t have a boat, a good way to go on a boat ride is to buy a life-jacket and just float around looking sad. Someone will usually pick you up.

The worst part of air travel is the people you have to die with if the plane crashes. All seats should eject so some of us can die with a little peace and quiet. Just let me die with dignity, hurtling toward the earth at 120 mph, alone, strapped to my little seat.

Thoughts on fun activities
This year for Halloween I’m gonna be a guy who sits at home and drinks booze with the lights off.

I like to correct people’s grammar when it is already correct, effectively incorrecting their grammar. Like when someone says “We are going to a movie tonight. Would you like to go?” I am like, “I think you mean “We IS going to a movie. And yes, Me would like to go.” It makes everyone feel a little better.

Thoughts about fitness, food, and health (part 1)
If you are ever on jury duty, you shouldn’t be too quick to judge someone guilty or innocent, because if you deliberate for long enough, they give you a free lunch.

Whenever I buy and eat pre-packaged meals, I end up going with the stuff that says “serves two,” or, “family size.” Then I eat it all. Who is this other person or people living inside of me, this free-loading family? Whoever it is better start exercising, because they are making me look fat.

I bought a cheese wheel the other day and 3 sandwiches later it still has 70 percent tread left on it.

Thoughts on life
I’m tired of staring hard at people only to have them not explode.

Win or go home, I always say. Which is why I spend a lot of time at home.

The rich get Richard, and the poor get Phil.

In a rare moment of optimism, I thought of a t-shirt idea that is a picture of a possum doing something maybe inspirational or overcoming the odds or who has a good attitude, and it says “Anything is Possumible.”

Thoughts on love
If you are married and you’ve taken the “death do us part” vows but then you both turn into zombies are you automatically legally separated or do you need to file paperwork? Or can you just hit your spouse in the head with a shovel?

How does the conversation between couples go about whether to have a child? I imagine it is like this: “Honey, I think we need a new roommate. I’m thinking of a real little guy who doesn’t pay rent and shits his pants all the time. How do you feel about that?”