Waiting for the Last Gasp – Adam Overland

This post is the promised second part in a two-part series that might become a three-part series (because I have a lot of them) about how when I first started using Facebook around 2008, I just posted various jokes and one liners, many of them potentially inappropriate for the medium, if there is such a thing. 

Work thoughts
Sometimes the haircuts people get are more radical than a trim, where they change styles entirely, like from long and curly to short and straight, or from mullet to shaven head. Asking them if they got a haircut makes you seem oblivious, because they obviously did. I think it conveys the gravity of the change better to ask them instead if they got a new head. That way, they know you’ve been paying attention.

Here is a nice out-of-office reply you can use next time you go on vacation: “Dear friends, lovers, people I have made love to, and people I have yet to make love to: I am out of the office. I will respond to your message when I return, and I will make love to you in good time.”

The turtle wins the race. That’s what they say. But maybe that fairy tale was planted to prop up unapologetic capitalism on the sturdy foundation of a slow moving shell. And while the turtles crawl slowly on all fours, somewhere, way down the line, the rabbits are laughing, sipping champagne and nibbling carrots, cheering the turtles on.

Thoughts on poop
Life is like a box of chocolates. But then, you open up that box of chocolates and it’s just poop made into chocolate shapes.

So far as I can tell, the peak of capitalism is being able to poop in your office. The low point is pooping in your cubicle.

I did some yoga yesterday and we did “downward dog.” How come in yoga they never do “dog carpet-scoot?” That’s a cool dog move I think people would enjoy.

Thoughts about fitness, food, and health
I think all exercising does is make me eat more food. The more I exercise, the more I eat. I think if I just sit real still all the time then maybe I will get in shape and lose some weight. I’m calling this new workout program “catatonic calisthenics.” Next time you see me not doing anything, please, do not disturb. I’m busy getting fit.

Often, if you want to do something but feel guilty about it, you can justify it by making a challenge out of it. Like, “I’ll bet I could eat 70 Oreo cookies in 10 minutes.” And then just go for it, and who cares if you succeed. Because you’ve already won. You’ve already won.

I like to think of a slice of pizza as a kind of pepperoni covered apple. You bite into that crispy pepperoni skin and taste the doughy goodness and you just know it’s good for you. It’s also fun to think of a Christmas Ham as a watermelon.

Thoughts on violence
I hope that if someone stabs me with a knife that they at least have the courtesy to clean the knife first, because I don’t know where that thing has been.

Whether you lived in the 12th century or the 21st, it pretty much sucked to get an ax stuck in your head by someone. But I’ll bet it happened a lot more often in the 12th century.

Thoughts on being kind
Today I helped an old lady crossing the street. It made me feel like a good samaritan. There she was, waiting to cross the street, and there I was in my car, and I could have easily just run her over. But I didn’t. I let her cross and go on her way. It feels good to help someone.