Criteria for determining whether you are an adult

I’ve never really felt like an adult. I still feel mostly like a kid who has to do adult things like not have recess time on some days and make money to live. Meanwhile, there are people who seem very adultish to me, like doctors, who are saving lives, or people who govern and make decisions that affect millions of us. Maybe I’d feel more adultish if I had kids, so that there was a very real, daily reminder of the difference between an adult and a child. In the meantime I’ve created an (incomplete) list of criteria that seem to indicate adulthood, which I’ve organized into pro (for adulthood) and con (against adulthood).

An incomplete list of adult(ish) criteria

Pro: You’ve moved out of your parents’ house
Con: Your primary residence is now your car

Pro: You have your own health insurance through gainful employment
Con: Your primary form of health insurance is echinacea, St. John’s wort, and tape. Lots of tape

Pro: You’ve created life and welcomed the responsibility to care for the life you helped produce
Con: You forgot to feed your fish and they all died

Pro: You put 15% of each paycheck toward a qualified retirement plan
Con: Birthday and Christmas money are still factored into your budget — and they are always critical

Pro: You are of legal age (25) to rent a motorhome
Con: You rent a motorhome for the sole purpose of tailgating at the football game of your recent alma mater

Pro: You got a colonoscopy
Con, but possibly pro: You got something stuck in your butt that you shouldn’t have

Pro: You are old enough to legally drink booze
Con: You are incapable of drinking booze without sharting yourself

Con: You pooped your pants and someone changed your diaper because you’re a baby
Paradoxically pro: You pooped your pants and one of your children changed your diaper

Pro: You’ve made decisions that have consequences for the livelihoods of others
Con: You’ve made decisions that have consequences for (aforementioned) pet fish and it did not go well

Pro: You’ve participated in financial planning and made investments that aren’t comic books
Con: 100% of your wealth is tied up in Legos

Pro: You own land
Con: You own a small amount of ham